


They Won't Know You Now

by allofuswithwings



Series: Confessions [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Because Gwen ships them, Episode Related, F/M, M/M, Mostly Dialogue, Mostly Slash, Multi, Not A Fix-It, Romance, Season/Series 05, Season/Series 05 Spoilers, With a bit of Het, and I needed consoling, but close enough
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-09
Updated: 2012-11-09
Packaged: 2017-11-18 07:23:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/558363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allofuswithwings/pseuds/allofuswithwings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A week after Merlin and Arthur return from the White Mountains, Arthur expresses his concern over Merlin’s behaviour of late.  This allows Gwen to broach the subject of his feelings toward his servant.  Her encouragement is not exactly what he was expecting.</p><p>SPOILERS FOR S5E05 'THE DISIR'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	They Won't Know You Now

**Author's Note:**

> Written as a response!fic to Episode 5. Anyone who’s seen it will know why. Not exactly a fix-it, but allowed me to get out all my feels and frustrations. Because, seriously, how could Arthur totally not be thinking ‘WTF is going on with Merlin?’ Because he was. Just look at his face in it.
> 
> Un-betaed because it was pretty much written in one sitting - I had to get it out. Apologies for any glaring errors/roughness.

~

 

Merlin left the room, and Gwen watched as Arthur’s eyebrows drew together.

 

“Is something the matter, my Lord?”

 

Arthur turned his head to look at her.

 

“Merlin has been acting so strange lately,” he commented.  “More than usual, I mean.”

 

“Has he?”

 

“You haven’t noticed?” Arthur asked.  “These last few months, _years_ even, he’s been… different.  He’s so serious all the time.”

 

Gwen gave a sad smile.

 

“A lot has happened these past years, Arthur.  We’ve all had to do some growing up.  Even Merlin.”

 

Arthur pressed his lips together.

 

“I know, but it’s different with him.  Despite the bad times, the rest of us enjoy the happy moments where we can.  But Merlin never seems to.  It’s like he’s always waiting for something terrible to happen.”

 

Gwen nodded.

 

“I admit, I’ve seen that too.  There does always seem to be this sadness about him now.”

 

“But what on earth does Merlin have to be sad about?  He’s still got his family, his village, Gaius.  Camelot hasn’t fallen and we’re all still here.  I don’t understand.”

 

“I’m not sure, my Lord.  There may be things that weigh on his mind that we don’t know about.”

 

Arthur watched her for a few moments.

 

“So, he hasn’t said anything to you, then?”

 

Gwen gave a wry smile.

 

“Me?  No.”

 

“I thought you were quite familiar.  At least, you seemed to be.”

 

“In the beginning, perhaps, but that was years ago.  Merlin has been drifting away from me for some time.  I couldn’t say what’s on his mind now any more than you could.”  She paused, hesitating for a moment.  “In fact, I think you’d probably have a much better idea than me.  The two of you are quite close these days, are you not?”

 

This seemed to embarrass Arthur a little, and a half-smile pulled at the corner of Gwen’s mouth.

 

“I wouldn’t say that.  He’s just my servant.”

 

“And yet, here you are worrying over his well-being.”

 

Arthur gave her a look but she just smiled wider, and he looked away again.

 

“Like I do anyone in my court.  Loathe as I am to admit it, he is an important part.”

 

Gwen stepped close to him, resting her hand on his forearm.

 

“You love him.”

 

Arthur’s head whipped around and Gwen could see colour beginning to grow high in his cheeks.  He opened his mouth and shut it again before eventually speaking.

 

“Like my knights, yes.  They have become like family to me.”

 

Gwen squeezed his arm, trying to keep her voice as gentle as possible.

 

“No, more than that.”

 

She gave him a pointed look and he couldn’t keep her gaze, his face flushing further.  He tried to turn away, but Gwen held him.

 

“He’s just my servant, that’s all.”

 

It sounded less like he was addressing her than trying to convince himself.  She smiled again.

 

“It’s okay, Arthur.”

 

She ducked her head in an attempt to meet his eyes.

 

“No, it’s nothing, Guinevere.”

 

She lifted a hand to his chin, stroking it with her thumb.

 

“It’s _something_ , Arthur, I know it is.  I’ve always known.”  He looked up at her now.  “Since the day he was appointed to you, there’s been a spark between you both.  And over the years it’s grown, into a bond, an intimacy that anyone would have to be blind not to see.”

 

“I love _you_ , Gwen.”

 

She smiled, wide and bright.

 

“I know you do.  And you love Merlin too, just as much.”

 

“No, you are my _queen_ ,” Arthur insisted.

 

Gwen laughed now, soft and light.

 

“I am, but that doesn’t mean you can’t also love another.  You have many friends, why can’t you have more than one love?”

 

Arthur shook his head.

 

“That’s not how it works, Gwen.  That is not how love should be.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“It’s not fair to you.  You give all of yourself to me, yet you suggest that I make you share?  No, I won’t do that to you.”

 

She smiled again.

 

“Your heart already belongs to Merlin too, whether you say it out loud or not.  There’s nothing either of us can do to change that.  And I wouldn’t.  You have a big heart, Arthur; there is plenty to go around.”

 

But Arthur still protested, shaking his head and turning from her now.

 

“I told my father I intended to marry for love, and I’ve done so.  I won’t betray you now by taking a lover, and certainly not a serving boy at that!”

 

Gwen shook her head, coming up behind him and touching a hand to his back.  He was staring out the window, a hand at his mouth and brow furrowed in determination.

 

“He wouldn’t be like some mistress, Arthur.  You _care_ for him.  And there’s no betrayal because I already knew, and it does not worry me.  You have nothing to fear, truly.”

 

He continued to stare out the window, though his expression had now turned pensive.  His voice was quiet when he spoke.

 

“And yet, what I feel for Merlin _does_ frighten me.”

 

Gwen let out a sigh, of relief more than anything, at Arthur finally admitting this to her.  For so long she’d watched him struggle to hide his affections, from Merlin particularly, and it was nice to hear him finally speak it.

 

“Love can be frightening, I know.  Especially when you feel you have no control over it.  When you want it to stop but it won’t.”

 

“And when the other person doesn’t feel the same way.”

 

Gwen couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her at this.  Arthur turned his head, his expression grave.

 

“I’m sorry, Arthur.  I forget that boys often do not learn how to read the emotions of others.  At least, when it comes to love and intimacy,” she explained.  “So, it seems funny to me that you would even imagine Merlin doesn’t feel the same way about you.”

 

Arthur was still frowning.

 

“He doesn’t.  And he can’t have said anything to you because you already pointed out you don’t confide in each other anymore.”

 

“He doesn’t need to confide in me – it’s written all over his face.  He’s much easier to read than you are.  And it’s clear that he adores you.”

 

She watched Arthur blush again, and she took his hand, smiling.

 

“He’s disrespectful and deliberately aggravating.  I don’t see how that’s adoration.”

 

“It’s not his words, Arthur, it’s everything else.  The tone he uses, the way he touches you, gazes at you.  Some days it looks as though he wants to kiss the orders right out of your mouth, or pull you from your horse and have you right there in the courtyard.”

 

Arthur made a small noise of shock, his eyes widening at her.  She hadn’t meant to be quite so plain, but the last words just seemed to tumble from her lips of their own accord.

 

“ _Guinevere_.”

 

She gave him a guilty smile, but squeezed his hand again.

 

“I apologise for my frank words, but it’s _true_.  You may not see it, but it’s there.  And watching you both deny it all, day after day, is quite exhausting.”

 

Arthur seemed lost for words for some time.  He was staring at her incredulously, as though he didn’t know the woman standing in front of him.  He should though; she had always been boldly honest with him like this, though perhaps not with this sort of subject matter.

 

He ran a hand over his face and exhaled a long breath, his eyes squeezing shut for a few moments.  When he opened them, his expression was still troubled but oddly resigned.

 

“Sometimes I wonder why I’m king, when the people around me seem to observe much more than I do,” he sighed.

 

Gwen took both his hands in hers now and leaned up to place a soft kiss on his lips.

 

“But that’s what we’re here for – to see things you may not.”

 

“Do you think Merlin sees how I feel about him then?”

 

“I don’t know.  He’s so open with his own emotions, but it seems there are many other things he keeps to himself.  What he believes your feelings are is one of them.”

 

“And that’s what I was talking about before.  There’s so much that seems to go on inside that head of his, behind those eyes, that a lot of the time I really am baffled.  Like last week, when we went to the White Mountains to see the Disir.  I asked his advice about whether to save Mordred or not, and he was very reluctant to give it.  You know what he’s like normally – can’t stop him from giving his opinion, whether you want it or not.  This was… I don’t know.  It was so strange.”

 

“He disagreed with you about keeping magic out of Camelot, then?”

 

“No, that was it – he said that I should.  But there was something about the way he said it, the way he was that whole night that just didn’t sit right.”

 

“Maybe he was just telling you what he thought you wanted to hear?”

 

“Maybe.  He did seem quite troubled by all of it, especially any mention of magic.”

 

“Well, Gaius did practice magic before it was banned in Camelot.  Perhaps Merlin still fears for his safety, so doesn’t completely agree with the laws the way they are.”

 

Arthur looked at her, a furrow in his brow.

 

“I am not my father.  Though magic is forbidden, I’m not so heartless to have everyone executed that is caught using it.  Especially if they haven’t hurt anyone.  I’m willing to see how magic may not be entirely evil.”

 

“I know.  I know you are.  But maybe Merlin doesn’t see that.”

 

Arthur shook his head.

 

“He’s heard me say it more than once.  He knows I’m not stubborn in this matter, that I always look for guidance when it comes to magic.  He can’t possibly think I would have Gaius executed, even if I found out he was still practicing today.  No, it’s something else, something more than that.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Like I said, I’m not sure.  It’s this strangeness, the things he says sometimes, so odd and unexpectedly wise.  It’s as if he knows something that the rest of us don’t.  I mean, I suppose he’s always been this way.  I noticed it from the very beginning – there was something about him that I could never put my finger on.”  He took a breath before continuing.  “But I see it more and more these days, something he doesn’t quite say.  It’s right there on his face but he won’t speak the words, won’t tell me what he’s thinking.  Or other times, he’ll talk about these enormous concepts –destiny, loyalty, the nature of existence – like he’s an old man that’s seen kingdoms rise and fall, and everything else in between.  It’s like the idiot servant that still can’t fill a bath properly has been taken away and replaced by someone I don’t recognise.”

 

“And that upsets you – that you don’t know him.”

 

Arthur was quiet for a few moments.  Gwen knew it would take some time for him to truly embrace his feelings for Merlin.

 

“Yes,” he said eventually.  “I’d like to understand what he’s thinking and feeling, and _why_ he thinks and feels these things.  But I can’t if he won’t let me, if he keeps everything inside.”

 

“I think you’re right.  I think Merlin is very complicated, more so than he lets on.  And he does seem to have this wisdom that’s not easily explainable.  It’s always puzzled me too.”

 

Arthur smiled a little, though it was wistful more than anything.

 

“Again, in the White Mountains, he was certainly like that.  He knew the place where the Disir were was sacred before we spoke to them, before we even entered the cave and saw how it was adorned.”

 

“He does do a lot of reading.  Much of his knowledge probably comes from Gaius’ books.”

 

“That’s what I thought, and maybe some of it does.  But when I asked him about it later, that wasn’t his explanation.  He said he knew because he felt it.  And when he described it, there was a reverence to his voice, a beauty in his words that shocked me.”

 

Gwen smiled at this.

 

“Merlin can be quite poetic sometimes.”

 

“It was more than that though.  All our conversations that night, there was something right below the surface,” Arthur continued.  “You said men don’t read emotions in others, and most of the time that’s true, but I could feel them then, beside the camp fire.  It was almost overwhelming.”

 

Gwen’s smile stretched wider.  She enjoyed hearing about tender moments between the two of them.

 

“That’s lovely.”

 

Arthur looked down at their hands, his smile reluctant.

 

“But it was bewildering too.  To be so close to him and yet have no idea what he was going through.  There’s something there, something that seems so enormous, so important to him but he won’t share it with me.”

 

Gwen chewed on her lip, able to see how much this bothered Arthur, and yet torn about whether to let him know what she knew.  Well, she didn’t know anything for _certain_ , but she had ideas about Merlin, had done for some time.  The problem was, she had no proof and she couldn’t exactly go throwing around theories that might put her friend in danger.

 

Arthur must have seen something on her face because he gave her an inquisitive look.

 

“What is it, Gwen?  Do you know something?”

 

She’d been hesitant to say anything earlier, before she’d gotten Arthur to open up a little about his affection for Merlin.  But now she wondered if she should, given that Arthur had clearly already picked up on something, and he was struggling to understand this man he cared about.

 

Gwen let go of his hands and leant against the window sill, staring out it over the town below.

 

“I know he’s agreed with you many times before about magic being evil, but I sometimes wonder if he really thinks that.  Granted, it’s been a long time since I’ve talked earnestly with Merlin, but in private it always seemed as though he sympathised with people who practised the Old Religion.”

 

“You believe he has magic?” Arthur asked.

 

Gwen flicked a glance at him.

 

“I didn’t say that.  I have no evidence, either from what I’ve seen or anyone else.  I wouldn’t want to accuse him of something that could condemn him in the eyes of the law.”

 

“But that’s what you mean though, isn’t it?” Arthur persisted.  “That perhaps he does or has practised magic before?”

 

She looked over at him now, her arms across her chest.

 

“It’s a feeling I have, that’s all.  Nothing more.”

 

She studied Arthur now, nervous about what she had just implied about her friend.  She didn’t want Merlin to be persecuted, but more than that she didn’t want Arthur to lose faith in the man he loved.

 

He was deep in thought for some time, his eyes cast down.  Eventually, he spoke again.

 

“The thought has crossed my mind.”

 

Arthur looked up at her, and Gwen raised her eyebrows in surprise.  It wasn’t what she was expecting.

 

“You think it’s possible, then?” she asked.

 

Arthur gave a wry smile.

 

“I may not be _that_ observant about some things, but over the last few years I have noticed his reactions to any discussion about magic, how nervous he gets,” he replied.  “That, and I seem to have an inexplicable excess of luck in battles whenever Merlin is around.”

 

At the last part, one side of Arthur’s mouth twitched with a grin.

 

“He does seem to have escaped serious injury himself most of the time too, considering how many dangerous situations you’ve been in,” Gwen added.  “He’s either very, very fortunate, or has had a helping hand.”

 

“Exactly,” Arthur agreed.  He thought for a moment.  “Perhaps Gaius taught him a little when he came to Camelot.”

 

Gwen shook her head.

 

“Gaius cares about Merlin too much – I don’t think he would deliberately put him in danger like that.  Certainly not when your father was king.  Magic seems more like something Merlin would have sought out himself, probably _without_ Gaius’ approval.”

 

“He is trouble-maker like that, and foolish.  Why would he risk his life in that way?”

 

Gwen smiled.

 

“For _you_ , of course.”

 

Arthur shifted uncomfortably, shaking his head.

 

“Even he can’t be _that_ stupid.”

 

Gwen laughed.

 

“He’s always loved you, right from the beginning, so it’s no surprise.  He’s not a warrior, so what else would he do to protect the life of the Prince he serves and adores?  He would do this, to save you, the only way he could.”

 

“Then he _is_ stupid.  If my father had found out…”

 

He shook his head and Gwen stepped away from the window, her hand coming up to his arm.

 

“But he didn’t.  And if he has been using magic, he’s been very good at hiding it.  He’s never been seen using it, and it seems as though you and I are the only ones who’ve even contemplated the idea of him being a sorcerer.  As stupid as it might have been for him to start using it, he’s been very smart about it.”

 

“Then why hasn’t he told me?  Now, after everything we’ve been through, he can surely see that I would understand.”

 

“He’s probably afraid.  Like you’re afraid, of admitting how you feel.  He’s afraid of what will happen if he trusts you completely, opens himself up to you.  He doesn’t want you to think differently of him.”

 

“But I wouldn’t.”

 

“No?”

 

Arthur hesitated, and then sighed.

 

“Maybe I would.  But not badly.  It just wouldn’t be exactly the same as before.  And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.”

 

Arthur slid an arm around Gwen’s waist, drawing her to him and kissing her forehead.  She smiled and rested a hand on his chest.

 

“Things are never simple around here, are they?” she remarked.

 

Arthur gave a soft snort.

 

“They certainly aren’t.”

 

She slipped her other arm around his back and put her head against his shoulder.  They held each other for a while in silence, Gwen feeling the steady beat of his heart under her hand.

 

“You should tell him,” she said.

 

Arthur pulled back a little, his expression wary.

 

“Tell him what, exactly?”

 

“How you feel.”

 

Arthur snorted, louder this time.

 

“I’m not going to be doing that,” he scoffed.  “It’s bad enough that _you_ worked it out, let alone if _he_ knew.”

 

“He does feel the same way about you, you know.”

 

“Even if he does, what would it accomplish?  Great, we’re both aware that we’re in love with each other but still have to pretend like we’re not.  I don’t see how that’s going to be less frustrating.”

 

“At least in private you could express it.”

 

Arthur stared at her.

 

“I hope you’re not suggesting what I think you’re suggesting.”

 

Gwen’s expression was one of amusement.

 

“Of course I am.  Merlin is your servant; he’s the one that’s around you all the time and cleans up after you.  No one would ever know or even suspect.”

 

Arthur rubbed at his eyes with the fingers of one hand, shaking his head.

 

“My own wife, the Queen of Camelot, is telling me to become intimate with my manservant,” he said slowly.  “What realm am I in where this makes any sense?”

 

Gwen laughed.

 

“You’re awfully delicate about sex sometimes, you know,” she said.  “I suppose it’s your royal upbringing, with all its rules and propriety.  But this is about love, Arthur, and is nothing to be ashamed of.”

 

“Well I guess I’ll just have to take your word for it.”

 

Gwen lifted her hand to card her fingers through his hair.

 

“I know it’s frightening plunging in like this, especially when Merlin does seem to hold so many things in, but maybe it’s what he needs to open up.  He’s more likely to share any secrets he has if he knows he has your heart as well as your trust.”

 

He lifted his hand to her hair to do the same, watching her with a curious expression for some time.

 

“And what will you do, if Merlin agrees to share my bed?  Put on a smile and stick your fingers in your ears?”

 

“Well, I’m quite happy to leave you to it, if that’s what you’re asking.  Or if you’d like me to join you occasionally, I’m willing to do that too.”

 

She watched as Arthur swallowed thickly, a blush rising fast in his cheeks at her words.  She was also quite sure she felt a stir in his trousers as well.

 

“Join us?” he repeated, his voice faint.

 

Gwen was grinning now, quite entertained by how flustered she could make the King from words alone.

 

“Yes.  But that’s only possible if you tell Merlin how much he means to you,” she reminded him.  “Tell me you’ll at least think about it?”

 

She pressed a slow kiss to his lips, Arthur taking a moment to respond.  When they broke apart his gaze was heated, yet preoccupied.  She could imagine why.

 

“I’ll think about it,” he murmured.

 

Gwen smiled.

 

*


End file.
